HERLOFF says ...

That kinda makes sense ...

Teenage girl #1: Oh my god, could you imagine having a baby, like, you know...inside of you?
Teenage girl #2: Oh my god, no! Eeeww!
Teenage girl #1: I know, right? But I would do it.
Teenage girl #2: You would? You wouldn't mind them cutting into you?
Teenage girl #1: They do that?
Teenage girl #2: Yeah, you get cut open. It's called a Sicilian.

--Uptown 6 Train

From Overheard in New York - of course.

Internet addiction

Creative chart art @ GraphJam

This morning, I was reading the WIRED August 2008 issue. As usual, loads of interesting articles and fun stuff. Among the latter, I discovered graphjam.com. Be warned, that site is highly addictive, sometimes pure art, often poetic, but mainly just creative and fun.

GraphJam is living proof that charts are not just for endless, death-by-powerpoint flat-minded business presentations. They can be used to communicate just about anything. Do go and check it out for yourself at GraphJam.

Parent priorities on public display

I read a story in the news today. One of those mega size American basketball players unfortunately landed on top of a poor kid sitting in the audience. Naturally, that hurt! So the kid screams and cries, which doesn't get any better when his face is shown on the stadium mega screen.

The thing is ... when I saw the photo below, I couldn't help but wondering a bit. Feel free to help me out if you know the answer.

The basketball player is obviously trying to comfort the poor kid (hand on his head).

But what's the kid's Dad doing?

1. Trying to comfort the baskeball player?
2. Asking for an autograph?
3. Worshipping his hero while completely oblivious that his son is trying to recover from the shock having 150 kilos of athlete crashing down on him?
4. Trying to say how terribly sorry he is that his son was in the way?
5. Thanking the big guy for choosing to fall on top of HIS son ...?
6. Doing something else to the athlete ... that I'm (fairly) sure he wouldn't do in front of his son and a large audience ...?

Redesigning for shelf presence

I first watched this video years ago, but I still think it's great fun. And besides that, it is a perfect metaphor for so many business mistakes made in fields other than design. The video speaks for itself ...

Narcissistic Blog Disorder

According to Wired, narcissistic blog disorder is:

"[...] characterized by the creation of a blog in which the individual consistently denigrates not only the opinions of others, but the very fact that others have opinions, saying things like "nobody cares what some overpaid starlet has to say about global warming" and "nobody cares what some crusty career politician thinks is wrong with society today." Simultaneously, the individual assumes that people do care about what he or she has to say, in spite of the individual's only political or activist experience being watching the movie Dave twice."

Hahahahaha!  Spot on! Being a fairly regular blog reader, I've come across quite a few bloggers suffering from this particular disorder - spending huge amounts of time and effort denigrating everybody in that "as if anybody gives a f***" kind of way. While not contemplating whether anybody actually gives a whole lot about their flaming self.

Read the full article on Wired.com if you want to know more about similar disorders, such as Bookmark Loop Disorder, E-mail Gullibility Syndrome, Atemporal Fad Disorder, Pugilistic Discussion Syndrome or Amusement Identify Disorder.

The cause of female shopping addiction shockingly revealed in ethnic bazaar?

In Odense, the third largest city in Denmark, they have build a bazaar. It is a huge building housing a large number of boutiques and shops owned mainly by immigrants of Muslim background. Lovely spicy dishes, ethnic clothes, exotic grocery stores and the like. Very interesting place, in fact.

While waiting for my train back to Copenhagen, I wandered about at the bazaar for about 20 minutes today. And I spotted the shop in the picture (click it for a larger view).

Hmmmm. They sell bags, shoes, jeans and stuff... So how on earth did they come up with that name??? LOL. Here are the explanations that I was able to come up with.

1. The owner thinks it sounds cool, but is completely ignorant of the exact meaning.
2. The meaning of the word G-spot is quite clear to the people naming the place, and they are, in fact, merely displaying an unusual insight into the effect that shopping often have on the female psyche. Especially when it comes to shoes and handbags!
3. The name signals the fact that most Muslims - contrary to popular Western belief - are not sexual puritans! In fact, Muslim woman can demand divorce, if their husband does not satisfy them sexually and Muslim culture is abundant with explicit and sophisticated erotica. However, all this sexual pleasure is for married couples only! Period!

I haven't decided on an explanation yet, so if you've got yet another one, feel free to share it! :)

Feng shui to the rescue!

This green mountain baffled Chinese and international media for a few days, until the explanation was found: apparently, a Chinese businessman had been exploiting the natural resources of the mountain for years, leaving it scarred and unattractive.

So what does one do? One hires a Feng Shui expert to fix that little problem! Naturally! And whaddayaknow! We're all feeling a lot better now! Maybe Feng Shui could also be a solution to other such environmental problems?

Hmmm ... no matter what that green did to correct the spiritual misdoings of the Chinese businessman - that image is still seriously messing with the Feng Shui of my blog!

Fainting goats

I know I probably shouldn't laugh, but I can't help myself. Or stop giggling, for that matter.

The absurdity of this is too much! I mean, this is a fabulous proof that humans play God in the funniest way.

This breed of goats have a muscular dysfunction (Myotonia), that results in stiffness of their limbs whenever they are scared or startled. Which basically means, that if you say "BOOO!" really loud, they'll just ...  get stiff and fall over.

I watched them yesterday night on the National Geographic channel, and the speaker (very correctly) called them "TV-dinner for lions". Hahahahaha. This breed would have been dead ages ago, if it wasn't for humans.

HRM supreme

Stereotype Showdown!

A bunch of Asian people get on the train.

Black teen boy #1: Whoa, shit! Half of China up in here!
Black teen boy #2: No shit, man. We better represent!
Black teen girl: I'ma get out my phone, be like, "Where my nigga Shaneequa at?"

--3 train, 116th St/Lenox Ave

Overheard by: quiubomona
Snatched without permission from Overheard in New York

Neighbor to neighbor

Want to be a sci-fi writer?

Strange Horizons is a weekly web-based magazine of and about speculative fiction. The term "speculative fiction" refers to what is more commonly known as "sci-fi," but which properly embraces science fiction, fantasy, magic realism, slipstream, and a host of sub-genres.

At Strange Horizons they receive a lot of stories from hopeful writers. In fact, they get so many stories that they have had to discourage some writers by publishing the list below. If you like it, you might also want to check out their guidelines for submitting horror stories.

Thanks to Jed from Strange Horizons for granting me permission to publish it here.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Stories We've Seen Too Often

Main plot types are numbered; subspecies and variants receive letters.

1. Person is (metaphorically) at point A, wants to be at point B. Looks at point B, says "I want to be at point B." Walks to point B, encountering no meaningful obstacles or difficulties. The end. (A.k.a. the linear plot.)


2. Creative person is having trouble creating.
   1. Writer has writer's block.
   2. Painter can't seem to paint anything good.
   3. Sculptor can't seem to sculpt anything good.
   4. Creative person's work is reviled by critics who don't understand how brilliant it is.
   5. Creative person meets a muse (either one of the nine classical Muses or a more individual muse) and interacts with them, usually by keeping them captive.


3. Visitor to alien planet ignores information about local rules, inadvertantly violates them, is punished.
   1. New diplomat arrives on alien planet, ignores anthropologist's attempts to explain local rules, is punished.


4. Weird things happen, but it turns out they're not real.
   1. In the end, it turns out it was all a dream.
   2. In the end, it turns out it was all in virtual reality.
   3. In the end, it turns out the protagonist is insane.
   4. In the end, it turns out the protagonist is writing a novel and the events we've seen are part of the novel.


5. An A.I. gets loose on the Net despite the computer it was on not being connected to the Net.
   1. An A.I. gets loose on the Net but the author doesn't have a clear concept of what it means for software to be "loose on the Net." (Hint: the Net is currently a collection of individual computers, not some kind of big ubercomputer; software doesn't currently run in the wires between computers.)


6. The future is soulless.
   1. In the future, all learning is electronic, until kid is exposed to ancient wisdom in the form of a book.
   2. In the future, everything is electronic, until kid is exposed to ancient wisdom in the form of a wise old person who's lived a non-electronic life.


7. Protagonist is a bad person. (We don't object to this in a story; we merely object to it being the main point of the plot.)
   1. Bad person is told they'll get the reward that they deserve, which ends up being something bad.
   2. Terrorists (especially Osama bin Laden) discover that horrible things happen to them in the afterlife (or otherwise get their comeuppance).
   3. Protagonist is portrayed as really awful, but that portrayal is merely a setup for the ending, in which they see the error of their ways and are redeemed.


8. A place is described, with no plot or characters.


9. A "surprise" twist ending occurs. (Note that we do like endings that we didn't expect, as long as they derive naturally from character action. But note, too, that we've seen a lot of twist endings, and we find most of them to be pretty predictable, even the ones not on this list.)
   1. The characters are described as if they're humans, but in the end it turns out they're not humans.
   2. Creatures are described as "vermin" or "pests" or "monsters," but in the end it turns out they're humans.
   3. The author conceals some essential piece of information from the reader that would be obvious if the reader were present at the scene, and then suddenly reveals that information at the end of the story. (This can be done well, but rarely is.)
   4. Person is floating in a formless void; in the end, they're born.
   5. Person uses time travel to achieve some particular result, but in the end something unexpected happens that thwarts their plan.
   6. The main point of the story is for the author to metaphorically tell the reader, "Ha, ha, I tricked you! You thought one thing was going on, but it was really something else! You sure are dumb!"


10. Someone calls technical support; wacky hijinx ensue.
    1. Someone calls technical support for a magical item.
    2. Someone calls technical support for a piece of advanced technology.
    3. The title of the story is 1-800-SOMETHING-CUTE.
    
    
11. Scientist uses himself or herself as test subject.


12. Evil unethical doctor performs medical experiments on unsuspecting patient.


13. Office life turns out to be soul-deadening, literally or metaphorically.


14. In the future, criminals are punished much more harshly than they are today.
    1. In the future, the punishment always fits the crime.
    2. In the future, the American constitutional amendment prohibiting cruel and unusual punishment has been repealed, or is interpreted very narrowly, or is just ignored by the author.


15. White protagonist is given wise and mystical advice by Holy Simple Native Folk.


16. A party of D&D characters (usually including a fighter, a magic-user, and a thief, one of whom is an elf and one a dwarf) enters a dungeon (or the wilderness, or a town, or a tavern) and fights monsters (usually including orcs).
    1. A group of real-world humans who like roleplaying find themselves transported to D&D world.


17. An alien observes and comments on the peculiar habits of humans, for allegedly comic effect.
    
    1. The alien is fluent in English and completely familiar with various  English idioms, but is completely unfamiliar with human biology and/or with such concepts as sex or violence and/or with certain specific extremely common English words.
    2. The alien takes everything literally.


18. Space travel is wonderful and will solve all our problems. (We may agree that space travel is pretty cool, but we'd rather that weren't the whole point of the story.)


19. Man has an awful, shrewish wife; in the end he gets revenge on her, by (for example) killing her or leaving her.


20. Some characters are in favor of immersive VR, while others are opposed to it because it's not natural; they spend most of the story's length rehashing common arguments on both sides.


21. Person A tells a story to person B (or to a room full of people) about person C.
    1. In the end, it turns out that person B is really person C (or from the same organization).
    2. In the end, it turns out that  person A is really person C (or has the same goals).
    3. In the end, there's some other ironic but predictable twist that would cast the whole story in a different light if the reader hadn't guessed the ending early on.


22. People whose politics are different from the author's are shown to be stupid, insane, or evil, usually through satire, sarcasm, stereotyping,  and wild exaggeration.
    1. In the future, the US or the world is ruled by politically correct liberals, leading to awful things.
    
    
    2. In the future, the US or the world is ruled by fascist conservatives, leading to awful things.
    
    

We wantssss it!

I don't know why I didn't spot this long ago. The resemblance is striking! And it sort of explains the scarf.

Now I can keep my mind preoccupied with a whole new list of important questions:

1. Who has the ring now? The Israelis? Hamas?
2. Did the Jewish lobby in Hollywood have a say when Gollum/Smeagol was created?
3. Sudenly Sharon looks like something else too. Orks come to mind. Or maybe one of the battle trolls of Mordor?
4. And who are the Fellowship of the Ring? The UN? The US? The EU? Norway??

*gobble*gobble*

I stole this link off a an old friends' blog. The blog is incognito and only meant to be read by people who have been invited there, so I won't link to it. But this little movie is simply hilarious!

It's Frank Caliendo's impression of G.W. Bush.

Yeah, I know, another Bush joke. But do watch it anyway. It's worth all 3 minutes of it. :)

It's going to take a while

It's going to take a while before life as a cowboy returns to normal.

New words ...

TESTICULATING. Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.

 

BLAMESTORMING. Sitting around in a group, discussing why a
deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was
responsible.

 

SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager who flies in, makes a lot
of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb
success and advancement by sucking up to the boss
rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day
swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM. An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING. When someone yells or drops something
loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over
the walls to see that's going on. (This also applies to
applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

 

SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive
Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children
and one of them stops working to stay home with
the kids or start a "home business".

SINBAD. Single working girls. Single income, no
boyfriend and desperate.

 

STRESS PUPPY. A person who seems to thrive on being
stressed out and whiny.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking
the crap out of an electronic device to get it to
work again.

ADMINISPHERE. The rarefied organizational layers
beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions
that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly
inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were
designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the
dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.

 

404. Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web
error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested
document could not be located.

OHNOSECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you
realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've
hit 'reply all')

BEER COAT. The invisible but warm coat worn when walking
home after a booze cruise at 3am.

BEER COMPASS. The invisible device that ensures your safe
arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too
drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and
where you've come from.

BOBFOC. Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

BREAKING THE SEAL. Your first pee in the pub, usually
after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your
bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every
10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

BRITNEY SPEARS. Modern Slang for 'beers', e.g. "Couple
of Britney's please"

JOHNNY-NO-STARS. A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

MILLENNIUM DOMES. The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH. A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo!Oo!Oo! Aa!Aa!Aa!".

MYSTERY BUS. The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night
while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks
away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed
with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI. The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

 

NELSON MANDELA. Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager)

 

PICASSO BUM. A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got four buttocks

SALAD-DODGER. An excellent phrase for an overweight person

 

SWAMP-DONKEY. A deeply unattractive woman

TART FUEL. Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by
young women.

The white dove of peace

Symbolic gestures are important. Especially in the former Soviet Union, parades with symbolic displays have always been abundant. After the collapse of the "Evil Empire" (which then, in total sync with Orwell's 1984 was replaced by "The Axis of Evil"), the parades have continued. The content is naturally different these days, but some symbols remain. The dove of peace is one, and if it is combined with well-choreographed children, the effect can still be breathtaking. Little children in uniform waving at the white dove, and so on.

Here's a fine example of that!

And these children ... they sure keep on waving and waving!

Overheard in New York

Just stumbled on the funniest site. It's a blog with little bits and pieces of conversation overheard in New York. If you visit New York, or live there, and you hear something funny or interesting, you can send your contribution to the site. Here's a taste:

Drunk hobo: Hey girl! You look like Aretha Franlin! R-E-S-E-C-P-T! R-E-S-E-C-P-T! Give me some respect!

--Union Square

Dude: Hey, watch it! Hey!
Old guy: What?
Dude: That's very rude.
Old guy: I said "excuse me".
Dude: Well I didn't hear it.
Old guy: Well maybe you should listen next time.
Dude: Well maybe you should kiss my ass, fag.
Old guy: Fuck off and die.

--Borders men's room, 32nd & 2nd

Teen boy: When I get home, I'm gonna get me one of them nutrient shake shits.

--M23 bus

Woman: ...you know, he was much darker than the other kids who were really white, so he was called a nigger. He was dyslexic.
Man: Wha?
Woman: But he was a strong boy. One time when he was bitten by a dog, I came in to his room and he was lying there with blood on him. He didn't scream or say a word...a very strong boy.
Man: What are you talking about?

--Times Square

Chick: I got a washing machine at home but it don't fit. I got too many clothes.
Guy: Ain't you never heard of loads?
Chick: What you mean?
Guy: Doing it once at a time.
Chick: Shoot, I be doing clothes forever if I do that shit.

--Herald Square

Bully: What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? Why are you jacking me?
Scared Russian teen: I don't know what that means!

--D Train

Guy: I saw that movie Hide and Seek. It sucked.
Girl: I don't know that one. Who's in it?
Guy: Ummm...that guy from Meet the Fockers.
Girl: ...Ben Stiller?
Guy: Who?
Girl: Are you talking about Ben Stiller?
Guy: No, no, the old guy.
Girl: Robert DeNiro?!
Guy: Yeah, him.
Girl: You call Robert DeNiro "that guy from Meet the Fockers"?!

--1 train

Daughter: What's on your leg?
Mother: It's cellulite, all women have it. And if you think the women you see in magazines don't, they do. They just get it covered up in their pictures by a special pen called an airbrush.
Daughter: Will I get cellulite?
Mother: Yes, soon.

--Century 21, Cortlandt Street

I could go on ... but check the archives yourself at Overheard in New York.